From time to time I am weak and incapable of dealing. For a long time I “hunkered down” … quick to apologize for every little thing. I was trying to get through a minefield and never knew which way to turn. I’d look around for someone to reach for, someone to ask directions, but there is no one to trust because no one else sees the minefield where I stand so frozen. People around me are smiling and floating in their joy. They don’t understand that one wrong move and my life is upside down and gone. It’s hard to cope. I began to gasp for air with a tight chest and sweaty palms. My eyes tear up as they tell me to cheer up!
They can’t begin to understand or see the field of mines I’m trying to traverse.
I stay in one space as the wind blows through this emptiness that no one knows. Sometimes a bright yellow light will shine directly inside me — it normally takes me away from the dangerous decisions I make. All the dangerous decisions that cause my chest to sink: what to eat, where to go, and who to trust. The dangerous choices of how to cope with the empty heaviness that causes me to gasp. The dangerous decisions that aren’t dangerous to others because for them it’s just a part of everyday life. It’s simple for them to make decisions.
The warm strong bright light takes me nowhere physically. However, it calms my spirit as only God can do. God sends the light of healing as the angels are deployed to remind us of what we really are, what purpose we serve to all of those around us, like a swirling love that won’t get translated if aren’t there assisting in transferring it. The Angels are around me as direct messengers from God himself!
The angels bring me comfort. I know His hand is on me, His spirit in me, and only He is in control! This causes me to realize the mines aren’t there. To realize I learned from all those decisions and that is how I became who I am — I stand here in strength, no hunkering down or apologizing. Instead, knowing my faith is unwavering and that His light is in me.
I will display this strength and be confident because of His light. The only way I can serve him is with confidence. Now, all is calm and the minefield is gone. I, too, will take a piece of that joy to absorb nside myself. I’ll continue to water and replenish the love he sends as I too transfer that love to swirl to others. I will not be the broken link. Rather, I will be the transformer of love and light as that’s how I serve him with what he gives me.
It’s a never ending journey and we all have a gift from him to help us serve others. It’s a true joy, yet not without struggle, to serve him with the gift he gives. I hope I’m doing that. I hope I’m serving the way I was meant to.
With love to you and all,
Jim
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